Dear Willie: I was married to my ex-husband and we have a seven-year-old son together. When I met him he never wanted a serious relationship nor did he want to get married.
It happened that I got pregnant and we got married, and everything just seemed to be rushed from there. After the birth of our son he suddenly became abusive and he cheated on me with multiple women. He didn’t care about our son and he spend all his time and money living the life he said he wanted to live before we got married.
I continued to live in the house we built together because I had nowhere to go.
I met this man who said that he will help me out with my son because he loves me. He did everything for my son: sent him to pre-school, would be there to take him to the doctor if he was sick etc. He did everything for him, even if it meant leaving his own business.
He asked me to move in with him and he will take care of us. He also asked me to have a baby for him. I explained to him why I didn’t want to move in with him because of what I had been through with my husband and I didn’t want to have another child because I can barely afford to take care of my son.
He got upset. He started threatening my life and my son’s. When my ex-husband was out he would just show up at our home. He would ask me to come over and if I didn’t he would say that he would kill my son and I. Going to his place was now hell because I didn’t want to be there and he would say the worst things he thought of doing to us if I left.
He eventually travelled and I thought that would be the end of it. I put him behind me and I later started seeing someone.
Meeting this new guy just changed my life. He was sweet, loving and he understood me.
One thing led to the other, and within a month, I found out that I was pregnant. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the situation I was in because I didn’t want him to look at it the wrong way. He was overjoyed about the pregnancy. He did what he had to, to care for my son and the upcoming baby.
I eventually gave birth to a baby girl who looks exactly like the guy who used to help me prior. I love my daughter despite who her father is, but day by day she looks more like the other guy who helped me. My boyfriend loves her so much and he does all a father needs to for her.
I would like to explain to him what happened prior to meeting him, but I just can’t put this into words knowing how much it will tear him apart.
I love this man so much, and we are making arrangements to settle down together right now, and it’s just killing me inside every day I see him with my daughter and the thought of losing him, if I say this to him.
How do I go about giving him this news????
Dear Miss: Before I address your problem, let me address what led to your current problems.
We all go through tough situations at some point in our lives and need someone to be there for us.
No doubt after such a bad marriage, you were left vulnerable. You needed someone to step in fast.
The ‘second man’ was like a Godsend to you. He claimed he loved you and he helped you. But you were naïve to believe that this man, after spending his time and money helping you, would not want something more serious.
Well, after all the help he provided, he did not get what he wanted so he felt used and hurt. And naturally most people would feel hurt – I would too – because having been there for you, you rejected him using your previous bad experience as an excuse.
It was obvious that this ‘second man’ was your “fall guy”. You DID NOT love him and you DID NOT want him. You loved what he was doing for you, that’s all.
Though I am disappointed by his reaction, I am not at all surprised. The man thought he was winning your love, only to be rejected like an overused rag.
If you did not want to be with him in a relationship you should have been straight with him from the beginning. The second man was not only in this for sex, he WANTED TO BE WITH YOU. But probably, you thought: “Well, I don’t want this guy, but he is helping me and I need the help, so let me reward him with some p—y.”
Furthermore, you claimed you did not want another child so why did you have sex unprotected? It was just an excuse you pulled because you did not want the guy.
Anyway, what you needed after your marriage was genuine friendship, NOT a relationship, but because of your broken financial and emotional situation you latched on to the quickest help that came.
You made a third mistake by AGAIN jumping too fast and opening your legs. The positive thing is that you appear to really love the ‘third man’ and you really want him and he really wants you, unlike the second man you used (perhaps not deliberately).
How to go about this situation?
It is a really difficult one, BUT, YOU cannot sit and assume that the child is not his. Not because the child looks like the second man means that it’s the second man’s child.
You need to do a proper DNA test to be absolutely sure. But before you do that, you need to speak to the guy you’re with now. Yes, I know it is hard. I would not want to be in your situation, trust me, because you love this guy, he is also helping you, and it so wonderful that you feel the same way about each other. Why couldn’t this have happened right after your marriage? He should have been man #2. (you’re probably thinking)
In my opinion, the longer you take to be honest with him and the longer you take to do this DNA test and put the matter to rest, the worse the outcome will be. It will hurt more when he finds out, and he will find out one day.
So what do you prefer? Live a lie and POSSIBLY betray this new lover? Or do you prefer to come clean and get it over with?
You had the strength to write to me. That is good. That’s a first step in solving this problem. Just like how you explained it to me, please, explain it to your boyfriend. He will be hurt that you did not reveal your past relationship with the second lover, but he will appreciate it in the future.
I know it is easier said than done, but better late than never.
You need to get this test done now. STOP ASSUMING that you know who the child belongs to. It may very well be for the new lover – or it may not.
And what if the child turns out to be for the second lover? Well, both parties have to deal with the truth and face up to responsibilities and the mistakes.
People will say keep it secret and do not lose your man, but take it from me, do this ASAP. Life goes on. It is not as if you cheated on him. Someone was in the picture just before. We are not perfect. We all have our shortcomings.
Now what if you lose him? Life goes on too. You just have to learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them.
And, please, stop jumping from man to man like a grasshopper. Take a break, take a reality check, assess your life, focus on you, and be careful.
Not everyone who says “I love you” means it, and not everyone who helps you is helping you up. In addition, learn that a lot of men tend to fall quickly especially when you open your legs and accept their help. Don’t appear desperate and in need. Be straight with them and ‘feel them out’ (not with your vagina).
Stop making silly mistakes. For every man you meet, you have been making a mistake.
Sometimes you have to lose and lose to win again. We live and we learn. You will overcome this.
In the meantime, you need a mature relative and a genuine friend in your corner – note the word MATURE. Be strong and stop showing up your weaknesses and flinging your legs wide open.
Take care and keep me posted.
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