Dear Willie: My boyfriend and I were together for four years. He is a great person. Everything was fine until I cheated on him with a friend. The affair went on for about a year; it wasn’t just sex, me and my lover had a secret relationship.
My boyfriend did have an idea and always questioned me about it, but of course I denied it. He saw texts on my phone and also letters in my bag but he never had solid proof.
I was miserable with myself, always lying so my conscience finally beat me to come clean. We broke up but I was still seeing my “lover”. I couldn’t stop. My boyfriend forgave me and ask me to come back home. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I did. I felt guilty and ashamed. He now looked at me differently, so I decided to take a break.
My lover now says he loves me and wants to be in a relationship. I have recently moved out again. My boyfriend is still here for me in every way possible but so is my lover. They’re both asking for the same thing which is to be in a committed relationship. I am so unstable with my emotions. I am back and forth with them both. I am all over the place. Help!!!!! I care about both these guys.
I would like to applaud you for coming “clean” and telling your boyfriend you were cheating. I also want to commend you for taking a break.
I must make one observation before continuing. I note in most of these letters that the “great” guys keep getting hurt. I have also read letters where women are asking “where are the good men?” Now I need to ask, again: do you women really know what to do with good men? If these guys are great why cheat on them? Are they doing something wrong? Have you told them what they’re doing wrong?
I was in two committed relationships in the past where I never cheated, was absolutely committed, and gave my 100%, including time, attention and resources – both emotional and physical – only for the girl to cheat.
I am yet to find out what women really want. And the most difficult thing about women is that they expect men to read their minds. A lot of them are not open, they don’t speak their minds. When they do speak their minds, it’s when another man who ends up screwing them, OR a girlfriend. The communication levels in relationships are frequently not good. Sometimes it is out of fear that the man might be harmful. However, from my own experience, women are just scared of telling the truth in general. They only tell the truth when the damage is already done, which makes no sense. They usually tell men what they want to hear, to the detriment of the relationship’s health.
Now back to your situation: My first analysis is that you DO NOT love your boyfriend (or ex). No you don’t. Why? You said he is a “great person” yet still you cheated on him. Number two, after confessing and the relationship ended you still went back to the man on the side. Number three, if you had really loved your ex-boyfriend, you wouldn’t be confused about who to select after taking a break. Taking a break means you are away from the direct confusion and should be better able to make a more wise decision. And after all that break, you’re still confused? No you’re not confused. The truth is you love your side man more than your ex-boyfriend who you have fallen out of love with. The truth continues: you are simply afraid of telling your ex “no I am not interested” in fear of hurting because he is still there for you, through good and bad. Women are usually afraid of telling truth that may cause any type of harm.
No doubt he, your ex, is a good man, but he deserves better, and you’re not a good woman for him. And don’t even talk about changing for him. You won’t. The itch between your legs for your side man, won’t just go away overnight, or it may never will.
So my advice is to continue taking a break and be honest with yourself first, then be honest with the two guys. Stay away from relationships or a while and find yourself, grow up.
Now, regarding the side man. If I were him, I would run away from you because there would be no way in heaven or hell I would want you to be my girlfriend. The same way you got tired of your “great” boyfriend, may be the same way you get tired of him and cheat. The world is a cycle my friend.
I am not sure how old you are to say this is an age or maturity factor, but you do seem fairly young, probably 20s or late teens, based on your tone of letter and circumstance.
So miss, be HONEST with yourself and with everyone involved and do what is RIGHT. Stop running all over the place with these two guys because sooner or later you may get an STD or get pregnant. Don’t mess up your life any further or that of the two men, especially you ex.
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