“Unstable” female confused over two lovers

“Unstable” female confused over two lovers

Dear Willie: My boyfriend and I were together for four years. He is a great person. Everything was fine until I cheated on him with a friend. The affair went on for about a year; it wasn’t just sex, me and my lover had a secret relationship.

My boyfriend did have an idea and always questioned me about it, but of course I denied it. He saw texts on my phone and also letters in my bag but he never had solid proof.

I was miserable with myself, always lying so my conscience finally beat me to come clean. We broke up but I was still seeing my “lover”. I couldn’t stop. My boyfriend forgave me and ask me to come back home. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I did. I felt guilty and ashamed. He now looked at me differently, so I decided to take a break.

My lover now says he loves me and wants to be in a relationship. I have recently moved out again. My boyfriend is still here for me in every way possible but so is my lover. They’re both asking for the same thing which is to be in a committed relationship. I am so unstable with my emotions. I am back and forth with them both. I am all over the place. Help!!!!! I care about both these guys.


Dear Unstable:

I would like to applaud you for coming “clean” and telling your boyfriend you were cheating. I also want to commend you for taking a break.

I must make one observation before continuing. I note in most of these letters that the “great” guys keep getting hurt. I have also read letters where women are asking “where are the good men?” Now I need to ask, again: do you women really know what to do with good men? If these guys are great why cheat on them? Are they doing something wrong? Have you told them what they’re doing wrong?

I was in two committed relationships in the past where I never cheated, was absolutely committed, and gave my 100%, including time, attention and resources – both emotional and physical – only for the girl to cheat.

I am yet to find out what women really want. And the most difficult thing about women is that they expect men to read their minds. A lot of them are not open, they don’t speak their minds. When they do speak their minds, it’s when another man who ends up screwing them, OR a girlfriend. The communication levels in relationships are frequently not good. Sometimes it is out of fear that the man might be harmful. However, from my own experience, women are just scared of telling the truth in general. They only tell the truth when the damage is already done, which makes no sense. They usually tell men what they want to hear, to the detriment of the relationship’s health.

Now back to your situation: My first analysis is that you DO NOT love your boyfriend (or ex). No you don’t. Why? You said he is a “great person” yet still you cheated on him. Number two, after confessing and the relationship ended you still went back to the man on the side. Number three, if you had really loved your ex-boyfriend, you wouldn’t be confused about who to select after taking a break. Taking a break means you are away from the direct confusion and should be better able to make a more wise decision. And after all that break, you’re still confused? No you’re not confused. The truth is you love your side man more than your ex-boyfriend who you have fallen out of love with. The truth continues: you are simply afraid of telling your ex “no I am not interested” in fear of hurting because he is still there for you, through good and bad. Women are usually afraid of telling truth that may cause any type of harm.

No doubt he, your ex, is a good man, but he deserves better, and you’re not a good woman for him. And don’t even talk about changing for him. You won’t. The itch between your legs for your side man, won’t just go away overnight, or it may never will.

So my advice is to continue taking a break and be honest with yourself first, then be honest with the two guys. Stay away from relationships or a while and find yourself, grow up.

Now, regarding the side man. If I were him, I would run away from you because there would be no way in heaven or hell I would want you to be my girlfriend. The same way you got tired of your “great” boyfriend, may be the same way you get tired of him and cheat. The world is a cycle my friend.

I am not sure how old you are to say this is an age or maturity factor, but you do seem fairly young, probably 20s or late teens, based on your tone of letter and circumstance.

So miss, be HONEST with yourself and with everyone involved and do what is RIGHT. Stop running all over the place with these two guys because sooner or later you may get an STD or get pregnant. Don’t mess up your life any further or that of the two men, especially you ex.


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  1. i just think that is so funny. from what i experiece men lie and cheat so i dont feel bad when i see women cheating on them. and whats lacking is the men too busy trying to satisfy more than one woman so all the women end up having one man to get some satisfaction. give one woman your energy and you will be able to keep her


  2. and the great men that are being spoken about the are there all other way but emotional. why is that


  3. that not true men can't communicate. at the beginning of the relationship, during the dating and wanting the men at all about listening ,talking but as soon as the settle,the woman talking to much. they don't have time to listen. women are usually ppl that love to talk because we are emotionational ppl so than we will get someone to listen that does not always mean that u will cheat. so mr willie talk to ur men they need to stop playing with women's heart they change quickly;


  4. mr willie u must had a very bad experience wit women and u like talking negatively about them. and thee same way there is bad man those that at called dog there are bad women. so that also mean there are great men and women out there


  5. We act like its so difficult to do the right thing...we are so fucking selfish now adays...it would be great if everyone would following the golden rule..."Treat others the way u would like to be treated"...simple


  6. A fewgood many left out there and u turning dem to be bad. Life is about choices. Make 1. U too coward to do that. Well what goes around comes around, so be careful and be honest. I suspect u do not want a committed relationship so jus let them know that.


  7. "Interesting" it's that kind of thinking that gets women into trouble these days, your body is yours do with it as you please, smh, ohhhh when will y'all learn, your body is not yours it was borrowed to you by god, just like everyone elses body,it's a temple, this its my body and I'll do what I want with it and if you got it flaunt it and every other excuse ladies try to use to justify their nonsense is just a joke, for a perfect example imagine this, allow one person into a clean room and observe the mess they make, then allow multiple people into a clean room observe the mess then tell me the difference, and for the record you know how many single 30 something year old mothers were in their 20's and decided it's my body so I'll do what I want with it, nobody wants to end up lonely wit especially when you should be enjoying life wit someone else just because you had a little too much fun with your body when you was younger........


  8. I find the response from Willie and the other comments rather interesting....how has the Woman disrespected her body? Because she is sleeping with two men???....PLEASE!!!! Men sleep with many women but they do not disrespect their bodies...when woman does it...woe unto her! Hypocrites! That's what we are in this society...a bunch of hypocrites!!! Unstable..your body is YOURS to do as you please with it! However, you need to decide what makes you HAPPY. Clearly you are not happy now...take some time, do some soul searching and make a decision based on what will keep you happy and satisfied with YOURSELF!


    • No matter how hard we try to be 'equal', it's never going to happen. Women will be called sluts, men will be deemed macho or at worse, dogs... So get with the programme. That's inherent. If you want to be feminist, go right ahead and see where it gets YOU.


  9. My girl, you need help. May I recommend this book? Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome. My advice? Work on developing yourself first. Then you will know what you want, what you will not tolerate, and be able to discern right from wrong. Don't trap yourself and become hardened, bitter and cold towards life... 'cause that's exactly where you're headed if that's the path you choose.


  10. Recently a woman made a comment that 99.99% of men are liars. But what they don't realize is that when they find a good man and do hime worng that can make the man become a liar himself, and every one of them ask for a good man but when they get that good man they get tired of him, but when the shoe is on the other foot men are concidered DOGS.


  11. Unstable, listen and listen very carefully, you do not know what love is, I'm not being mean but you think you are in love with these guys when really and truly you don't, you see women say they want a good man, but to them being a good man to them is taking care of their every need, physically, financially, emotionally and in turn they make no commitment to you, if you have kids you love your kids and you don't want nothing bad to happen to them, but if you love somebody and you hurt them repeatedly and make them feel pain how in the world is that love? Smh, and have more respect for your body instead of sharing it between 2 men, at least 1 of them is talking about it to his friends if not both of them, 2 weeks, 2 letters, 2 women cheaters, hmmmm, I think it's about time a good man said it, "where are all the good women?"


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