I know they have been friends for a long time however I never had an idea they took it to another level.
One day I came home from school earlier than normal and heard noise coming from a section of the apartment. It’s not a sound you would like me to describe here. It was disgusting hearing my mother.
I opened the door with my keys; the stereo set was very loud but I could hear because my mother was singing much louder than the person singing on the stereo. It may sound funny to some people but it’s not.
I went in the house, changed, and went outside until the noise subsided. About half hour later I saw the minister leaving my apartment. He was shocked to see me then have the guts to tell me he just passed by to get a nap as he had a rough day.
Yea right! A rough day with my mom! And that nap was indeed noisy.
Anyway, the point I am trying to bring across is that my mother is married and she is having an affair with this minister, this disgusting minister. What if my father had come home early and caught them?
I feel very disgusted and disappointed with my mother. I have not been talking much to her. She hasn’t said anything to me either. Both of us are probably ashamed to say anything.
My father comes home and she pretends like all is well. I really want to tell my father what’s going on because it’s not fair. But I do not want to cause chaos and cause my parents to break up.
I feel guilty knowing about this and not telling my father. Please advise me what to do.
Dear Disgusted Daughter:
Thank you for reaching out. It seems as if in addition to your disgust with the situation, you are also confused about what to do.
On one hand you feel obligated to tell your father, but, on the other hand, you do not want to cause chaos or for them to break up. This is a valid concern.
First, I would say that no matter what decision you make, that is, whether to tell your father or not, ensure that you have looked at all of the possible consequences or outcomes of doing so, and that you are prepared to live with the outcome(s).
Second, you stated that you have not been talking much with your mother and that she has not said anything to you either. If the reason or one of the reasons for this is the current possible affair with a minister, I would suggest not allowing this to hamper your relationship with your mother, as these actions may be separate from you as her daughter.
My suggestion would be to talk to your mother, let her know what you saw and overheard, how you feel about it and the effect it is having on you. Share with her your concerns for your father and the marriage and wanting to disclose this information to him.
Third, get her side of the story, not that this excuses the fact of the actions, but getting an understanding of where she is coming from may help in knowing how to move forward. Remember not to blame or judge her in your communication about the matter as this may cause your mother to shut down or become defensive, leading to an unproductive discussion.
Fourth and last, be prepared for anything, that is, denial of the affair or rationalization of it.
Whatever you decide, it seems as if the end goal is to feel better about your mother, not disgusted, and to get back some normalcy in the family.
My reflective questions to you are: Will telling your father end the affair? Will telling him ease your guilt about knowing about it?
Know that the decision to end the affair lies with your mother and the minister. From my experiences working with families, I would suggest allowing your parents to work out their difficulties on their own, as that is part of the spousal subsystem. Only, if the affair is affecting the parental subsystem (inability to parent) will intervention from this subsystem, that is, yourself or a sibling be warranted.
If talking to your mother does not bring any resolve for you emotionally or mentally, I suggest speaking to an objective third party such as a counselor to be able to deal with the effects of the affair.
I wish you well.
Email letters to [email protected] Letters are strictly confidential and total privacy maintained. Also see disclaimer below.
Cimorge Counseling & Consultation, Inc, published every Wednesday exclusively on this site, provides responses for Dear Dr. Cindy. These responses are the professional opinion of Dr. Cindy M. George and are not to be thought of as counseling or advice. The professional opinion is based on limited information provided by the user. By requesting a response, the user agrees that both Dr. Cindy M. George, Cimorge Counseling & Consultation, Inc., and Alliance News Ltd/BVI News Online/St. Lucia News Online are not to be held liable for any damages to the user, or any third party associated with the user.
For more info, please visit: website: www.cimorgecounseling.com; facebook:www.facebook.com/cimorge; youtube:www.youtube.com/cimorge