My boyfriend wants to get married; “he is a very nasty man”

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My boyfriend wants to get married; “he is a very nasty man”


Dear Willie:
I have been with my boyfriend for some time now and it has been a wonderful relationship as well as a heartbreaking one, but altogether I have managed to forgive him and continue loving him unconditionally.

A few days ago we were speaking and he spoke about getting married (which made my heart skip a beat) and he said he wanted to do it soon.

My reason for writing this is I don’t think I am ready to get married, but at the same time I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him or that I am afraid of committing myself to him. I don’t think he is ready to have a woman like me in his life permanently because we are always back and forth.

There are a few things I have been begging him to change and still he hasn’t even made an effort. He is a very nasty man; I will clearly state it NASTY. He doesn’t clean after himself, everything he uses stay the same place, and that is one of my other concerns. I don’t think I can live with my son because mothers clean after their kids so much, this is all day every day. Do you think these are things that should worry me about getting married?

I give you full permission to call me ‘confused’ because right now I am really confused. It’s kind of hard that I know that I love my boyfriend very much but it hurts that I feel that am not ready to give him my everything.

Dear Miss: Anyone in your position would be confused because you love your boyfriend, have a fairly stable relationship with the exception of some concerns.

Many people believe that getting married will solve their problems, but if your problems cannot be solved now, marriage won’t make things better. So, I agree that the offer to get married is not something you feel for wholeheartedly because of these concerns.

I would not encourage anyone to marry if they’re not ready. His “nasty” problem is something you should discuss with him, if you haven’t already. A lot of males are not tidy and if he hasn’t fixed this issue, marriage will not fix it. It is something you will have to accept, or not. You choose.

As to the back-and-forth issue. Based on that statement it appears that both of you do not see eye to eye on a number of issues. Marriage will not solve this. And it is natural for people to disagree in a relationship. It is not what you disagree about, but how you solve that disagreement.

I think you should be honest with him, just like how you’re honest with me now. Just do not sign up for something you do not want. And you mentioned that you love him unconditionally but I am afraid you do not understand what unconditional love is. It means loving someone and accepting them for who they are, regardless of their imperfections. So you may need to rethink your “unconditional love” statement.

Either you accept him or not. And if you do not feel like being with him for the rest of your life, then stop wasting his and your time.

Willie 

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Dear Willie is published every Monday, Wednesday and Friday exclusively on this site. The responses by this column are the opinion of the author of Dear Willie and are not to be thought of as counseling or advice. The opinion is based on limited information provided by the user. By requesting a response, the user agrees that both Dr. Willie and Andrews Media Services Corp/St. Lucia News Online are not to be held liable for any damages to the user or any third party associated with the user. 

 

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36 COMMENTS

  1. some men need to realise that their WOMAN CANNOT BE THEIR MUMMY.......they are little boys in the body of an adult man...its amazing these these "guys" want a WOMAN but will not want a WIFE...if u can call her YOUR WOMAN u should be willing and able to call her YOUR WIFE....and dont expect her to be like a mother to you especially if she is already a mother to your baby

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  2. have a discussion then do a few months survey, informing him that you are willing ,but there are some compromising he must make now.

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  3. Don't do it! If you are not ready to get married don't do it.If his tidiness and overall deportment is something you are obviously having issues with prior to marriage you should really let him know your position on the matter. Don't engage in self deprivation because you don't want to hurt his feelings. One of my husbands' issues before we got married was that of "tardiness" and it was something I clearly couldn't live with. So before tying the knot I had to constantly help him to work through it. Although is not 100% I'm happy with the progress he's made. So be patient, communicate and hopefully he will improve. But listen to your heart, if you don't feel ready don't go into it.

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  4. She needs to teach her man to clean up after himself. I'm sure he has a lot of good attributes. So she needs to weigh things out. No one is perfect. If she going to nitpick all his faults, then she shouldn't marry him...or any man for the matter.

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  5. @CHE...I would really want to believe that women really care. But most guys will attest to the fact that though they could be contributors to some of the problems in the relationships, women do not want to accept their own responsibility that may have exacerbated the situation too.
    But when the fingers are being pointed, the man takes the fall and the women is seen as the victim in most instances.
    It is very unfair to have given women so much power. It has caused an imbalance in gender conflict resolve.

    I have friends who want to settle down and marry the woman of their dreams.
    But those guys are just scared to their wits about being hurt or perhaps after a few months she decides to "Call it a day"

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    • AB, I agree with you, but it's not only women who fail to acknowledge their responsibility for the problems in the relationship; men do too, at times. That's why I believe sitting and talking instead of arguing would be the better way to try to resolve any situation. I want to believe that neither sex understands the other well enough, and each should make an effort to get that insight.

      I don't know if you're a Bible-believing person, but women should understand the role of the man in the marriage and respect that, and a man should treat the woman as he ought to. Before marriage the parties should really place all their expectations on the table and see how a compromise could be attained, where or if necessary. I believe this would help to keep the relationship together. It's not going to be easy; it would take a lot hard work and commitment but it can be done.

      I would encourage you guys to pray and to have a heart to hear with your partners, and I hope thing work out for you. The important thing is to make God the center of it. It still won't be easy, but things would work out fine if both partners are Christ-centered and really committed.

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      • Che, I don't like to put God or Christianity in those conflicts, when one partner has decided that nothing will change their mind.

        Before a partner in a relationship decides to walk away, it is something that they've been thinking for a while (for whatever reason). And sometimes it's situations that can easily be resolved.
        But in the case of the woman, she have been discussing the problems of her relationship to other females who perhaps may have given her even more bad advice to "Jump-ship".
        And trust me, when this day finally arrives, they do not care about the other partner's feelings.
        There is NO REMEMBRANCE or RECOLLECTION of the good times. But the focus now on the woman's end, is targeting the BAD or what may have put the relationship in this predicament.

        A man would plead with his lady, to reconsider or try to understand his side. But the need to show how strong she is, and she will NOT tolerate any crap from any man, is her GREAT "MOTTO"

        So this has cause alot of men to hold back and perhaps wait when he has vacation coming up, fly over and try his luck with women from another geographic location.
        And sadly, some of my friends are already considering it.

        The easiest thing to say to each other is "I LOVE YOU".
        But do you really mean it.

        And if a partner cannot forgive and see the best side of relationship (but the NOW) then she NEVER LOVED THE GUY.

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          • AB you right the woman may be considering the situation for years or months. And consistently talk about it. Most times the man would probably apologies at the moment but continues as usual expecting the woman to accept his crap indefinitely. When she have has had enough u say its because she never loved you. So do you love her?. That you would put her though hell and expect her to accept it for the rest of her life..Until u kill her maybe.

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  6. Confuse from what I read you love him but was giving his nastiness some serious thought when he came up with his marriage plan. I am sure you are tired of talking to him about being untidy but he thinks of you as his maid or slave, sometimes he has realized no other person will entertain his nastiness so he wants to get married. Just let him know as much as you love him because of his nastiness you were thinking of leaving and now he is asking you to get married and you are not sure you can entertain his nastiness for the rest of your life at your age you are already too tired and when a stranger walk into the house and see the mess you are the one as women who will be blamed for the house not being tidy. If he is not ready to change you can't take anymore of this. Let him know the truth. My husband is very tidy but my son is not and
    it piss me off that really gets to me.

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  7. "There are a few things I have been begging him to change and still he hasn’t even made an effort".

    I don't have a guy in my life right now to try this with, so I cannot testify to what I'm about to say, but it might be worth giving it a try anyway.

    TO THE LETTER WRITER:

    From what I've read, communicating with the opposite sex is an art. A guy might not respond positively if he feels like he is being ordered to do something or if he feels like he is being 'put down' by what you are saying or asking him to do. What I would advise you to do is to do a little research on how to communicate with a man and try it to see how it works.

    It might be a good idea to postpone the wedding for the time being, but don't tell him it's because of his nastiness. Try communicating and see how things go. If you're able to get through to him, then you should take the same approach once married. Getting into the marriage without resolving the issue or knowing how to deal with it effectively would be a grave mistake.

    TO AB:

    I know some of you guys might be hurting and don't feel like women care about you. We're not all like that. Forming a Men's club might actually be a brilliant idea. However, if you need a listening ear, you can always talk to me.

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    • Once I decide to get back into a relationship, I would do more research on communicating with and understanding men. I want a harmonious relationship, so I would put in the effort, just so that I'll be able to get off on a good footing.

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  8. We may have to form a "Men's Exclusive Club"
    All for Men, with our own support group.

    Women (in general) DO NOT CARE about us, unless it's something they need. And even then they are getting it from each other by rubbing.

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  9. For some reason it appears the Men cause all the problems in any relationship with a woman.
    Or is it that women just complain more than us.

    There are lots of men who are hurting in relationships. And those men do not talk about it because of Shame.

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    • some women complain to mek things better.....to me some men feel that they wear the pants so they could do as they please....some of them feel that they are the breadwinners so they could do wat they want....some of yall r 1 sided

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  10. What happened to good old communication like back in day. I guess ppl spend way too much time on gadgets, then ask stupid questions that eh even making sense. Woman growing up in SLU your grandmother and mother bong to tell you marriage and kids doh change man! You wif de man so long .. You could at least tell him about his NASTY problem.. All those years you suit twa yay him and now he ready to commit you running scared.. Choops tan! Be honest with yourself is the nastiness really the problem after all you tolerated it for so long. Not marrying the man does not mean u don't love him. Please communicate effectively with him and when you do it will be better for both of y'all. I see to many Lucian women focus on the preparing for the wedding instead of the marriage and then end up in shit street less than a year later. Instead of emailing willie you should have just told de man the truth... Choops grow up!!!!

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  11. Some men just think they have a woman to use as slave,u have been tolerating it so he is thinking let's make it a life long commitment. U have to let hime know what u want,make him clean up his mess. Then see what happens next.

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  12. Women don't know what they want, because a man isn't a clean freak u eh wanna marry him, the kind of man u deserve is the nice clean cut abusers, who cheat and then treat u like shit, if uncleanliness is the man main issue n u claim to love him, teach the nigger how to b clean, am sure if you were the kind of woman who couldn't cook n clean a house he would stay with u n wouldn't make an issue of or nastiness.....be thankful that's his main fault.

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