“I still miss my daughter’s (abusive) dad”

“I still miss my daughter’s (abusive) dad”

Dear Willie: A few months ago I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend who is also my daughter’s dad.

We had been together for five years. During that time I’ve been through a lot. He has insulted me many times and has raised his hands on me on many occasions. I was not able to go out with friends or enjoy life like a young lady would; he never liked any of my friends so I put them aside and I did everything he said so he would be happy.

He hasn’t been much help around. I just tried my best to get everything done without him so it wouldn’t spark a fight. He hasn’t been in a job from the time we have been together but I never had a problem since I was the one working and I was able to provide for us. I was afraid to move on because of my child with him.

The fight started when I was at his place and he demanded that I provided him with my blackberry cell phone because he said that I’m not who I use to be. Knowing what he was getting into, I said why do you need it? I laughed and I went to the shower. He went into my bag took the phone and said that he wants the password. I said no until it became an argument and he became physical.

I told him that I would go to the police but that didn’t stop him from destroying my phone and punching me all over my face. I went to the police who spoke with him. I didn’t take any action against him because he pleaded that he was sorry.

One week after, on several occasions, he had been coming to my house crying asking me to come back to him. My response to him was “right now I just want to be free.”He said that he has changed and he is going to a counselor.

A few weeks before the fight I met this guy who I knew back then. I had sex with him and this was the first time I had ever cheated or flirted with a guy. He treats me the way I always wanted to be treated and would never go a day without letting me know how much he loves me. He always finds out how my child is doing and wants to be part of her life.

We started a relationship and it has been four months since we are dating. He is eager to introduce me to his mom and is excited to take me to his family Christmas outings. I think he is great. He spoils me with his love and enjoys making me laugh.

I still miss my daughter’s dad and I keep thinking that she is going to be mad at me when she gets older. She is now three years old and I know that she loves her dad.

One week ago my daughter’s dad told me to come to his place. I slept and we had sex. I feel bad about it. Now he knows I’m with someone, he said “f*** me and my child he doesn’t want to see us and he is going to start a new family.”

I’m really sad about that because I don’t want my child to be hurt. I don’t know if I should get back into that relationship so my girl remains happy. I really don’t want to break up with my current boyfriend because he has been nothing but good. He thinks I am the most amazing girl he has been with and wants me to carry his baby. I really don’t know what to do.

Thanks Willie
From V

Dear V: Each time I read these letters I am almost convinced that women do not know what is good for them. Here you are writing about the abuse from your ex-boyfriend and the unhappy life you had with him then after meeting someone who treats you the way you want to be treated, you are confused as to what you should do.

From the essence of your letter, you’re not portraying yourself to be a trustworthy female. The fact that you put password on your phone suggested that you were hiding something. Usually when females have locks on their phone, it means just that. And you proved my suspicion when you admitted that a few weeks before you were asked for your password, you slept with another guy.

Of course, I do not condone any abuse towards anyone, including women. And your boyfriend should have been in jail.

However, the fact that you’re now entertaining your ex and have already cheated on a good man means that you’re not ready for a relationship.

There are many women who are no longer in a relationship with the fathers of their children and their children have grown to understand the situation. It is not the end of the world. Would you want your daughter to grow up seeing you being abused by her father? That will have a negative impact on her life.

As she grows older, you can explain to her why daddy is not around. She will understand if you develop that close and stable daughter and mother relationship with her.

As for your ex, he does not love you. He was using you for his selfish desires. See how quickly he gave up on you?

And your poor boyfriend? I am so sorry for him. If he is reading this, please dump this letter writer.

And letter writer? You need to take a break from relationships from sometime and enjoy your freedom, grow up, do research on what makes a good relationship, and then wheel and come again because you’re not ready. You have already cheated on a man who is showing you real love and thinking about going back to a demonic man. That does not sound like someone who wants good.

So my advice is to take a break.


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Dear Willie is published every Monday, Wednesday and Friday exclusively on this site. The responses by this column are the opinion of the author of Dear Willie and are not to be thought of as counseling or advice. The opinion is based on limited information provided by the user. By requesting a response, the user agrees that both Dr. Willie and Andrews Media Services Corp/St. Lucia News Online are not to be held liable for any damages to the user or any third party associated with the user.


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  1. chef B come on, all u are displaying is how fragile men really are, not all women are good same as men, but the difference between women and men is that women know how to forget those who hurt them, so if u are a good man who has been hurt, don't let that turn u into a bad man, someone is out there for u so hold on strong and don't get on ignorant and become another one of those " dogs"


  2. Willie, you could not have said it better. LOVE and COMMITMENT do not seem to exist anymore and that's a shame because the persons who are honest and really show true affection and love always gets opposite to what they are giving. first this young woman said she dump the trash but the then turns around and became "SOLID WASTE" herself and I don't mean to be funny but this needs the garbage truck. woman go live on an island by yourself and find "V". take a break for that child sake. children learn from what they see


  3. But don't be bad and play the game, get mad and change
    Then you wonda why these m... call you names
    Still lookin' for a way out, and that's okay
    I can see you wanna stray, there's a way out


  4. smh, my advice to you is to break off both relationships and take some time to grow up. It seems to me that you have not matured as yet. I feel so sorry for your daughter because you are setting such a bad example for her.


  5. Next time u wanna cheat try me.U need help and sound childish. Girl grow up and stop just having sex for sex sake. I agree if u in a serious relationship with me, then passwaord on yur phone shud not b a problem.


  6. woman grow the hell up, and stop being a S***..That man now should dump u...Some of yall women really dont know what the hell yall want...silly


  7. V,

    This is a very sad situation to be in. You really need to set your life straight. First of all, you mentioned that you were in an abusive relationship with your child's father which is EVERY reason to move on from such a predicament - disregarding the fact that he's the father of your child. You were blessed with a man who treated you the way you should be treated and you go ahead and cheat on him with your ex? For WHAT? What did you get out of that? And now you say you are confused? What's confusing about that? There's nothing to reconsider. The ex boyfriend is bad for you, and YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE THE CURRENT BOYFRIEND for what you've done. We all make mistakes but it looks like you are not learning. At this point, you need to take time for yourself. Your daughter will be fine, the world's moving fast. She will understand people love and let go. All the best.


  8. V, u need a chastity belt and u better come clean with your "Prince Charming" and let him decide whether you are worth it. And please stare clear of the ex, he had ample time to change but never did. It's a cycle, except it gets broken and you need to stop yourself otherwise all you will do is ending hurting that precious little girl. She doesn't understand everything yet but she will not want to have to live with the guilt that her mom stayed with her good-for-nothing-abusive dad hoping that she will be happy.No child wants to see their parents hurt.Furthermore, who is to say that he won't also transfer his frustration to your daughter.U need to love yourself a little more and begin to believe that you deserve to be happy.


  9. I do not think that you should get back with your boyfriend. You may 'miss' him but what he has done to you is wrong. In fact, criminal. Your daughter may also miss him but again, would you like her to grow up in that kind of environment? If he is adamant that he wants nothing to do with you or her, then you need to take the necessary steps to ensure that he meets at least his financial obligations towards her (child support). Hopefully, he would be man enough to recognize that you have moved on and that the child that he shared with you is also his responsibility and that he should be there for her, financially and otherwise. I also think that you should explain to your daughter in words she can understand that you and him are no longer together, but yourll still love her etc.

    Now, as for your new man. I don't even get it. You just got out of a 5 year abusive relationship. You are missing this abusive man and wondering if you should get back with him. In recent time, you had sex with both your 'ex' and your current boyfriend. Why not focus on YOU and you DAUGHTER? Do you NEED a man in your life right now?

    And how old are you? "He is eager to introduce me to his mom and is excited to take me to his family Christmas outings. I think he is great. He spoils me with his love and enjoys making me laugh. He thinks I am the most amazing girl he has been with and wants me to carry his baby. I really don’t know what to do." SERIOUSLY?! You sound like some teenager who's falling in and out of love with people.

    What is UP with that? I really don't get it. I hope that you are taking the necessary precautions to ensure that you do not get an STI or become pregnant. (SMFH)

    Woman, focus on YOU and your DAUGHTER. Continue to be the independent woman (you being the only one with a job) that you were throughout your abusive relationship.

    Don't be too trusting of people, ESPECIALLY around your DAUGHTER. Ask around, most people who have been sexually assaulted were assaulted by people they KNEW. (family, relatives, friends etc). This is not to say that you should NEVER enter another relationship. This is to say that you should take TIME to focus on you and your child and build up yourself so that you don't feel so NEEDY or LOW when you are withOUT a man. SMH.

    Your daughter is the innocent one in all of this. Hope you don't become an SLNO headline.

    Think women, THINK!


  10. I think this woman is confused with what we call some victims get used to being abused. It is not love,just like a drog, she got used to being treated like that, that is what she is missing...has to be treated by a professional.


  11. My girl my advice to you is run from your daughters dad unless you hv chosen your coffin from rambally or crick.This guy will kill if u go back with him>he will never change so run.Dont be a statistic,as a man as hate aman who hits on women ,shame on him.Girl do not let a child be a trap to go back as the child grows older she will understand>I am sure she used to witness the violent and that is not a good environment for her.ok.Donot rush to hv a child for that new guy its too soon.Take time to heal while u hook up with him.You are working and u can take care of your child so forget about the sperm donor.


  12. you have proven dat u CANNOT be trusted. u cheated on ur child's father with da current man and den cheated on the current man with ur child's father. u need to grow up, learn how to be faithful and remove ur child from dat abuse environment. dat new man should REALLY dump u.


  13. ahhhh another one, why do women feel its a good thing to have men running up inside them, I know there's a double standard for men but come on stop sleeping with more than one person, once you start doing that feelings,emotions everything gets all jumbled up, first thing you should've done is stay away from the abusive one, take time for yourself where and your kid, when you fully healed from the abuse then you could've found someone to be with, now what you need to do is to break up with the nice one cuz you've already cheated on him so you you obviously still have unresolved feelings or issues with your child father.....


  14. my girl move on with your life.in the first place,y don't he look 4 a job because he haven't find a job since your'll have been together and u are the one is providing an not him.....also don't go back and put yourself in a worse condition.stay with your current man because he is treating the way u want a man to treat u...to make your daughter happy,make her see her dad occasionally so she can stay happy.....make yourself happy baby girl.


  15. I dont support abuse. But I just knew that she cheated the moment she said that she would not give up the pass word. Women can make a man do stupid things when he thinks or knows she is cheating. There`s always two sides to a story.


  16. parents don't have to be together to make a child happy...........however parents need to be happy in order for the child to be happy and an abusive relationship is not the way to go.


  17. willie i dont agree when u say a woman has a password meaning she hiding something so when a man has a password on his phone what is that called?????????


    • I do believe ANYONE male or female who puts a password on their phone has something they are hiding and for your intrest am a male though I cannot let that bother me I trust my wife and nothing can be hidden forever


  18. It's women like these who give us all a bad name. You moved on from an abusive relationship to one where the man treats you right, as you want to be treated, then turn around and cheat witht he abuser!!Really?? Your current boyfriend deserves better than you, so I think you should let him go and remain single while you focus on straightening your life. People should never stay in relationships just because of children. As Willie stated, do you think your daughter will benefit from being raised in a family where her dad is abusive to her mom? Break the chain- let your ex go completely. He will never change, and if he doesn't want to be a part of your daughter's life, then she may be better off. Any good man will not use their child as a pawn.


  19. If your main reason for being with him is because of the child then think again. If you are not happy then you cannot make your daughter happy. Secondly do you really want your daughter growing up in an abusive environment? You are lucky to meet the man that you have now, don't ruin it for someone who wont have a serious stable relationship with you.


  20. How can someone miss an abuser? Beats me! Do you want your daughter growing up thinking it's normal for a man to hit her? You should have seen examples around you to know that you need to stay away from people like your ex. Instead of looking for another man why don't you seek God. Spend time with your daughter. Do things with her. See what God requires of you as a woman and let Him lead your life. In His time He will send you the perfect husband. Value yourself more my dear and quit sleeping around. Sex is meant for you and your husband not any man. And as Willie said your new boyfriend should dump you. May this will give you a wake up call because you are not to be trusted.


  21. I think she needs to get some serious counselling in developing her self esteem and breaking free from the abuse. I think that being with the abusive boyfriend has made her feel that is the only way one can show love, which is wrong. As the therapist would say she is going through the honeymoon stages of the abuse. Take time to heal and also get spiritual guidance.


  22. You obviously need devine intervention. Seek the Lord my dearest and you won't need any man to make you feel complete. You need to learn how to be independent unless you learn that you will never be fully happy. Happiness comes from within.


  23. I agree Willie, she isn't ready. Just like most women always complain about men are dogs but when they get the good ones look what they do. So then why should men be good if we only get bad in return.


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