(JAMAICA OBSERVER) — “We had just put our baby to bed and were having the last of the New Year’s wine a year ago, when my husband opened up about his childhood,” Moya B told All Woman. “It was the first time he was being so detailled, but I guess the alcohol loosened him up, and he started talking. That’s when I learned about the abuse, parental neglect, the sense of abandonment he still feels, and a teenaged sexual experience with a male neighbour, where he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.”
She explained that she comforted him and they moved on, even though there was always a niggling voice in her head needing explanation for her husband’s strange behaviours since they had met five years before. He showed little interest in intimacy with her, was extremely homophobic, would always point out the neighbours who were “suspect”, and “attracted gay men to him like flies”.
“Just that past Christmas we had an argument because he said the cable guy wouldn’t stop WhatsApping him, and had even showed up at the house after he installed the cable,” she said. “I lost it then, because one, the cable was in my name so he would have had to go the extra mile to give the cable guy his number, and two, the guy was an open homosexual. At that point I joked with him about how come he always, always seemed to attract gay men to him, and he laughed.”
She said just this New Year, again over glasses of wine, she sat with her husband to issue an ultimatum as she was craving affection and attention, which he seemed incapable of providing.
“I asked him straight out if he had thoughts about men and he hung his head,” she said. “I think we both knew the truth then, and to be honest it was a relief, because no longer did I have to deal with insecurity as I’d wondered why my husband didn’t want me. I helped my husband discover he was gay, and that was the turning point in our marriage.”
In a country like Jamaica, where homophobia is deeply entrenched in the culture, it can be quite difficult for a man to be open about his sexuality when his desires are strongest for someone of his sex. To this end, sex therapist Dr Sydney McGill said that some men use relationships and sometimes even marry women as a cover for their relationships with other men.
“Homosexuality is largely seen as an act against nature and ideal masculinity and therefore is publicly scorned. Men, therefore, try to walk the straight and narrow path of heterosexuality, even if they have regular homoerotic thoughts. They feel that they are straight as an arrow as long as they do not act on these thoughts,” Dr McGill explained.
So do you suspect that your boyfriend or husband is gay, or at the very least bi-curious? Dr McGill said the only way to be sure is if he tells you, or, of course, if you catch him in the act. However, there are few anecdotal signs (which should be taken with a grain of salt) that may tell if your partner’s sexual preference is with men on the down low.
He rarely initiates sexual intercourse with you
Your partner rarely initiates sex and when he does, it is often more mechanical than passionate. If you mention his lack of interest in you he may mark it up as depression, but things never improve even when he claims to be getting help. If anything, he seems to be fronting having a sexual connection with you. Also, you may realise that his tool takes a while to get into action and it may even seem like he is burdened especially if you are the one who initiates sex.
He is doing less manly things
He doesn’t seem bothered by so many things straight men would be offended about, and he seems to be a little effeminate. By this we don’t mean a man who just cares about his physical appearance, but you see the hand gestures coming, he checks out his rear end more often, and even invites your comment on it. He lights up when men compliment him on his look even though his facial expression remains unchanged when you or other women do the same. One other example is that his eyes linger on men a little too long, and he likes when you touch him on or play with his butt.
He seems to enjoy the company of men more
He is more motivated or excitable when he is around his male friends moreso than around female friends. You even notice that when your friends need favours, even though he will take a while to act on the request of your women friends, he will step on the requests made by your male friends.
He secretly watches gay porn
He doesn’t know that you know, but you see where instead of straight porn he seems interested in watching gay porn. You also see him often looking at magazines and Internet sites with really well-built, good looking men. He also often tries to conceal this by erasing the computer history often, but you often get pop-ups for gay porn. Oh, and even if he watches straight porn with you, he always seems to be more interested in the male actor.
His Facebook page has mostly men
When you check, his social media accounts are populated with more than 80 per cent men, and they are usually very attractive. Also, when you check the conversations, he not only seems to be flirting with the men, but conversations with women are light and casual.
He wants to change sex up a bit
He said that he wants to make sex exciting, but you realise that most of what he wants to include is about the butt, and more specifically, his butt. He may also say that he is bored with your current sex positions, or hints that your vagina is ‘too loose’ in an attempt to try more risqué positions.
He is unbelievably faithful
We all want a faithful man, and they exist, but this man seems overly faithful and you may have been thanking God for sending this one. Chances are you haven’t heard him talk to any women, seen any texts from any other woman, don’t see him hanging out with women except for work purposes, or see or hear about him checking out other women because his interest lies elsewhere. He doesn’t show interest in any other woman but you, yet he will go on and on about male athletes and actors and even his friends.