I can’t stop sleeping with my married ex

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I can’t stop sleeping with my married ex

Dear Dr. Cindy: OK how should I start? I am a 34-year-old woman who started having sex two years ago with someone I met online.

We were seeing each other for two years then I went to study. On my return on vacation, my ex, who was my boyfriend, told me that he got someone to plug (get pregnant) for him. It broke my heart. I told him go be with her because my father was never a father figure in my life. He married her.

Now that am home for good we have been seeing each other a lot, even sleeping around. I am feeling bad because I am a woman. And I put myself in his wife’s shoes, I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop. I need help bad.

I know I am the bad one there. I have tried to tell his wife about it but I do not want them to break up at all because I do not see my future with him. What should I do?

Unfaithful

Dear Unfaithful:

Thank you for the letter and your candor.

From what you have presented, it appears as if your initial decision to let your then boyfriend go to be with the mother of his child was the catalyst for the now situation of him being married to her. Your actions then can be viewed as selfless, as you did not want the unborn child to grow up without a father as you did, knowing the effects of this.

The situation here would appear simple, that is, stay or leave, however, either choice seems to leave you with feelings of confusion and doubt. Seeing that you may want to make a decision either way, I suggest asking yourself a few questions.

First, do you continue to be with him because of familiarity, or because of what I call the “what if/what could have been syndrome”, or do you really want to be with him?

Second, do you feel bad because of how the cheating makes you feel and is affecting you, or do you feel bad for his wife and child?

Third, what kind of a relationship, or what do you want from him? This is a crucial question, as the follow-up would be –can you have it with someone else?

Fourth and last, you stated that you do not want them to break up because you do not see a future with him. Then, the million dollar question would be, do you not see a future because of the marriage or because of him?

The answer to these questions lies in much self-reflection and thought. My suggestion is to really look at your feelings and thoughts objectively, because therein lies the truth to your behaviours, that is, “I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop.”

It is possible that once you have realized the truth and accepted it, you may then be able to make a final decision that you can live with.

The help you stated you need may be in the form of professional counseling to help you sort out those feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. It seems to me that you just want peace, I hope you find it.

Best wishes,
Dr. Cindy

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24 COMMENTS

  1. i think he see you as a week link and u just having your fun because of what happened you two need to grow up u can get a man to have sex with but I still think inside u still want him u may not still love him just sex its an excitement for u both as well.

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  2. 'These easy-to-install pieces are the icing-on-the-cake for a front
    door,' says Kraeutler. From a purely practical point they
    take up less room. The biggest problem with fibreglass garage door is they are synthetic in nature and therefore take
    a considerably long time for getting disposed.

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  3. Been there, done that! Stop right now! You have your whole life ahead of you. If he cared about you, he would not have gotten another individual pregnant. Save yourself for Mr. Right.

    (9)(1)

  4. DEar Cindy is just a gimic..trying to make a next dollar whilst these real people face real problems which can lead to further emotional, mental and physical damage... Get a real job and help those people for REAL

    (2)(3)

  5. hey all you do don't go tell the man's wife anything. She did not ask for this. If you can't deal with it leave but leave the wife alone.

    (9)(0)

  6. Really and truly, the first step is already made, know that there is a problem and seeking help. Dont you ever listen to all these judgmental people. It is always nice to seek help. Just try your best to do whats right, if you say no, to him once, that will be your first step on your journey to wean yourself from him. Be strong and keep your head up and not down.

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  7. @ Jesus saves,Not everything is spiritual you know.Everything for you is seek Jesus.It's true the young lady needs to seek the Lord but sometimes you need to offer some realistic advice.Every single post you comment on offers no realistic help.

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    • Yes everything for me is seek Jesus and i am not ashamed of it because EVERYTHING should be about Jesus. Every breath and every step we take should be about Him. We can do nothing without Him giving us the strength to do so. If she seeks Him, the Holy Spirit will guide her so she will make the right decisions and choices.

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      • For someone so Holy,You look like you love coming on these posts.Thought you'd be on Holy websites,BUT No,You choose to come and read the Gossip section.& don't tell me it's to spread the GOOD WORD,you're here because you love the gossip section.

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        • Yes I look at myself as Holy (thank you for noticing)and a Bible believer. I am not here to please you so you can say whatever you like. People like you did as much to the Lord so of course I will face it too. Oh yes I try my best to spread the Word. I would not look at this as a gossip section. It's genuine people who have genuine problems and are seeking answers.

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          • Jesus saves there is nothing wrong with whatever you are posting. Everyone is free to post whatever they like. Like you said these are genuine people with genuine issues and they are seeking answers. Lester why would you call this a gossip section? All I see are people looking for answers. If you have nothing good to say maybe you should offer some advice of your own or don't visit the 'gossip section'?

            (1)(0)

          • 'Just me' I like you so stay out of this,this is between 'Jesus saves' & I...Name one good worthy advice that has come from Jesus saves.If you go through all the topics she has commented on & could point one good advice that she has offered apart from seek the lord then I will pay for A week cruise for you & your love.I am positive she has offered No HELP WHAT SO EVER.

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          • Jesus saves we are all different. Just ignore 'Lester' as he/she seems quite cantankerous. I see nothing wrong with your comments. If people would start putting everything in God's hands we would not have so many problems out there.

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      • You are a fool. Jesus is what was used to lynch your ancestors on the cross. Know your history. God has always been within you, so where do you seeking your fake Jesus. Jesus is from the Greek and Roman. You are African descendants. Start on YouTube. The origin of black people and you will find your real Jesus. Bayteze seek Jesus!!!

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        • Ww wow our people ate waking up we will leave the land of our enemy soon
          Yahshua is our messiah a a Jew indeed an Israelite.

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  8. Dr Cindy you're asking her to ask herself to many questions, all she needs to do is stop meeting up with this man, don't take his calls, don't call him don't answer your door to him. At the end of the day he is committing Adultery, don't be party to it, move on baby.

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  9. Dear Unfaithful, stop being a loose, have more pride in yourself, you know you're the bad one you don't want them to break up but yet you want to ask for advice? Really? You know what you need to do you don't need somebody to tell you what to do, Stop sleeping with him cuz if it was you in his wifes place you wouldn't be able to stand the pain it will cause, either you be friends with him or nothing else,simple,but don't feel too badly about yourself, we're human,we make mistakes,so accept it as a mistake and try your best to move on i know its easier said than done,but the longest journey begins with a single step.

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  10. Lady my advice to you is to cut your losses and move on. The man is now married and you did state that you don't see a future with him. You do not need any counseling. Seek forgiveness from Jesus, trust, be patient and obey Him and pray to God to send along a godly man for you. If you believe in God that is.

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