We were seeing each other for two years then I went to study. On my return on vacation, my ex, who was my boyfriend, told me that he got someone to plug (get pregnant) for him. It broke my heart. I told him go be with her because my father was never a father figure in my life. He married her.
Now that am home for good we have been seeing each other a lot, even sleeping around. I am feeling bad because I am a woman. And I put myself in his wife’s shoes, I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop. I need help bad.
I know I am the bad one there. I have tried to tell his wife about it but I do not want them to break up at all because I do not see my future with him. What should I do?
Thank you for the letter and your candor.
From what you have presented, it appears as if your initial decision to let your then boyfriend go to be with the mother of his child was the catalyst for the now situation of him being married to her. Your actions then can be viewed as selfless, as you did not want the unborn child to grow up without a father as you did, knowing the effects of this.
The situation here would appear simple, that is, stay or leave, however, either choice seems to leave you with feelings of confusion and doubt. Seeing that you may want to make a decision either way, I suggest asking yourself a few questions.
First, do you continue to be with him because of familiarity, or because of what I call the “what if/what could have been syndrome”, or do you really want to be with him?
Second, do you feel bad because of how the cheating makes you feel and is affecting you, or do you feel bad for his wife and child?
Third, what kind of a relationship, or what do you want from him? This is a crucial question, as the follow-up would be –can you have it with someone else?
Fourth and last, you stated that you do not want them to break up because you do not see a future with him. Then, the million dollar question would be, do you not see a future because of the marriage or because of him?
The answer to these questions lies in much self-reflection and thought. My suggestion is to really look at your feelings and thoughts objectively, because therein lies the truth to your behaviours, that is, “I really want to stop sleeping with him, but I just cannot stop.”
It is possible that once you have realized the truth and accepted it, you may then be able to make a final decision that you can live with.
The help you stated you need may be in the form of professional counseling to help you sort out those feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. It seems to me that you just want peace, I hope you find it.
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