I am spying on my wife

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I am spying on my wife

Dear Dr. Cindy: For the past year I have been using a programme from the internet that I downloaded on my wife’s computer to track her every move online.

The programme is able to capture everything she does. Anything she types including passwords are recorded and can be accessed anytime and anywhere.

My issue is that lately she has been communicating with this man and they’re having plans to be together. It hurts to the see the type of lovable conversation they have. And it’s so hypocritical of her to pretend she loves me. I am stressed and feel depressed. It hurts a lot to see how they talk about me. I know the guy. We went to school together.

Now I want to confront her about it but I know what I did is a breach of privacy and I do not want to get in trouble. At the same time I need to get this out of my system fast before I explode and do something I shouldn’t do, so what’s your advice?

CC

Dear CC,

Your doubt in your wife’s fidelity seems to have prompted you to take the action of spying on her computer activities.

The findings, however, as you have indicated has left you feeling stressed and depressed. More specifically, the loveable conversations that she has with this other man, whom you know, their plans to be together, and how they speak about you. This is quite a bit to digest from someone who indicates that they love you. Your feelings of stress and depression are quite normal, given the present circumstances.

It is a lot you are dealing with and wanting to confront your wife and get it out of your system is a natural response/reaction. The question then is: How do you do that? Given the nature of how the said information was obtained and bearing in mind any legal ramifications/consequences, not only from your wife, but any third party, I suggest checking into this to ease your mind as you stated you do not want to get into trouble, whether personally or legally.

With respect to confronting your wife, should this be your choice after knowing the consequences of the breach of privacy, I suggest simply speaking to your concerns of her fidelity and how her actions have been and continue to affect you negatively. I also suggest seeking the ear of someone in your support system as it may help talking to a neutral party about how you are feeling.

At this point, my question to you would be, do you want to try and save the marriage or resolve it. Also, where your wife stands on this will need to be explored. Should both of you want to save the marriage, I suggest seeking professional counseling to help with the communication and bringing back the trust in the relationship.

Individual counseling for yourself to address the stress and depression is highly recommended, as how and who you are as an individual will contribute to the dynamics of the marital relationship.

Best Wishes,
Dr. Cindy

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10 COMMENTS

  1. You already did something you should not have done, now. Do the right thing and talk to her about it for there is obviously no trust in this relationship and please don't do any thing that u will regret. For the rest of your life. God bless.

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  2. In marriage, there's no hiding of anything. Everything is fair game. He should take a deep breath, exlax and confront her. There aren't legal ramifications to him spying on her on THEIR computer.

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  3. I wouldn't call it spying, I would call it following your gut and doing your diligence for the sake of both your emotions and your health.

    If in a relationship, I've always considered my bizness to be very much like operating a real business, as in, feel free to open my books anytime, h3ll, just ask, because I have nothng to hide in any way.

    (it also makes it very easy to sleep at night since you're not hiding anything).

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  4. As long as someone gives you any inkling to prode and pry then it is worth looking into. Saves you from being an ass and a fool in the long run.

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  5. I did the same thing. Found out my boyfriend was a real sleaze. He did not just have one, but a couple,most of them did not know about each other.I know for certain that 1 knew about me cause she told him she should never had placed herself in that situation. She should have asked him to leave me. Know what I did? Left....and He Never knew none.

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  6. CC, WE ALL END UP IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, HOWEVER WE ALL TAKE AND DEAL WITH IT DIFFERENTLY.SO FAR WITH ALL YOUR FINDINGS U HAVE DEALT WITH IT AMAZINGLY WELL ALTHOUGH ITS KILLING U INSIDE.YOUR WIFE CANNOT B 2 FACED, BUT CONFRONT HER, U DESERVE TO KNOW WHY SHES DOING THIS. IF AFTER THE CONFRONTATION WHAT EVER U BOTH DECIDE IS UP 2 U. I FEEL EVERY ONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE IN LIFE, BUT IF THIS CONTINUES WITH HER ITS TIME TO END THE MARRIAGE AND MOVE ON. U ARE NOT THE FIRST AND WONT B THE LAST.ONE MORE THING TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS BUT CHRIST IS THE ANSWER.ALL THE BEST.

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  7. As Cindy implied, something prompted you to install the program because I am sure you did not wake up one day and say, How about a tracking software on my wife's computer?
    In my opinion you went looking for trouble and you found it. You did not write to Cindy before invading her privacy; why now? Deal with it! Smh. Insecurities insecurities.

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  8. Gassa,word of advice...It's true it's wrong to spy & be NOSEY,but u already did it so its time to help that wife of yours pack her bags...& I hope you're not on no life insurance policy with her,next thing she & her new lover plan to kill you to collect a change on your head...Go pack her bags ASAP.

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  9. Bro trust me i did the same thing and i found out some stuff as well.I am not married and it was not as bad as your situation but it did hurt.You need to seek legal advice first as stated but do confront her.Admit to your doings and let her know why you did it but stick to the findings and demand an explanation.She might try to change the topic and make you feel guilty because of what you did but don`t let her,stand your grounds and stick to the evidence because it is the only truth you might get.I for one believe that whether the truth is found out by accident,admission,witnessing or in our case stealth,it remains just that....the truth.I wish you all the best from here on.Hold tight my brother,i feel your pain.

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