DEAR WILLIE: I am confused — who should I choose? Soldier man or side man?

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Dear Willie: I need your advice. I have been together with this soldier guy for about a year now and I still haven’t met his parents. I really love him but he told me he does not believe in marriage and I would love to get married.

I don’t really see him as I would like because of his work and that gets me frustrated and angry. Thinking of all that, I have been a little distant trying to figure things out because he says he loves me and wants me to be the mother of his kids but yet still things don’t add up.

About three weeks ago I met this guy. He is sweet and loving but he still lives with his baby mother. He says they are not really together but he loves me. He visits me at work every day and most nights he brings me out to have a drink or to parties. I am curious how his baby mother reacts when he gets back home. I just don’t know what to do. I am at a cross roads and I love the soldier guy but this guy has always been there for me, and he putd out the effort to be there for me although he isn’t single. At the same time I don’t want to hurt the other man. Please advise me on what to do.

Patiently awaiting your reply

Dear Miss: Both situations are unhealthy.  Let me start off with the soldier-guy situation.

First off, you knew or should have known the risk/s associated with dating a military/law enforcement person: they are sometimes deployed for weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes they don’t return alive. So you should not be complaining about him not being around, due to his deployment. What did you expect? Did you want him to bring you on the front lines — or where ever — with him? He has no control over how long he stays and where he goes.

You said that he does not believe in marriage and you want to get married. Did you knew this before you got involved with him? And if you knew, why did you get involve with him? He says he loves you and wants to have your children. But miss you’re not anybody’s stray dog, just to breed, or some hen on a farm. You want children in a stable family. You want marriage. And he doesn’t want that, as you said. So why should you just go have children for him, just because he says he loves you? What if it doesn’t work? Where would that leave you and the children?

A man will say he loves you to get his way when he doesn’t really mean it. Furthermore, he hasn’t introduced you to his parents.

On the other hand, what if he is just testing you? To see what kind of woman you are? MAYBE he doesn’t want to commit until he has survived his deployment. He wants to see if you’re strong and faithful, probably. So why go in another unhealthy situation. You’re the one bringing more confusion to yourself.

Now with the other guy. I would not advise to go any further with this man, sexually or otherwise. Think about the chaos you will be causing to yourself and to his situation. You’re not thinking straight. And you don’t want this guy. He is using you and you’re using him. It’s not gonna end well. Please leave him alone. And I do not believe his story and even if he is in fact not involved with his baby mother, I am sure it will cause problems when she finds out, because he says they live together. That makes no sense. Please run from this player. This is even worse than the soldier-guy situation.

My final advice is this: put yourself first. Love you first. Don’t be going around compromising so easily. Get to know people first. Find out if their goals in life match yours. It makes no sense sacrificing for people who will not do the same for you. You want marriage, children with the husband, a man who loves you, to be able to meet his parents and one who has time for you, etc.. Then by all means, get someone like that. Be patient and in time you will find the right person. Stop dropping your standards for people. It is best to be single than to be with the wrong person or be unhappy in the long run.

And I know it isn’t easy to just drop someone ‘you claim to love’. So after dropping this ‘side man’, wait until the soldier man returns and see if he has a change of heart. Sometimes experiencing a couple incoming missiles changes someone’s outlook on commitment and marriage. Have a serious talk with him and then make your decision.


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One comment

  1. on the real my girl, love is commitment. re-evaluate if you even have love for soldier man because yes he is gone but should you even be going out with other men who have an interest in you sexually or otherwise. if the situation is you need to have your beloved near you then break it off with soldier man and get a man who has a different job/lifestlye. it will be for the best for you desires and for soldier man. the other man issa no-no. mate living with his bm what he eh cutting?......he sleeping on the floor?, idk ma it smells like a duck and quacks like one too.

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